We are approaching 10 years of the day that changed my life.
The day that changed the way I look at life, the day that made me question the way I look at everything, the day that turned my life upside down.
I wouldn’t wish the pain I experienced that day on anyone.
But I also wouldn’t take that day away.
I know, contradictory. But the most painful day of my life has also made me who I am today and we have to embrace both the most amazing and most difficult times in order to discover and grow to be the individuals we are.
On May 1st, 2007 my grandmother passed away.
I remember every detail of this day.
From coming home from school and putting on Dr. Phil, the smell of bacon and breakfast sausages cooking for dinner that night, to the sound of the car door closing before one of the most traumatic moments of my life.
I remember hearing the car door close, waking me and my first thought being to wake up Nanny now that Grandad was home.
I remember looking at her and just knowing. Yet I still shook her for a few seconds before running to the phone to dial 911.
The craziest part is that I remember all these little details. The sounds. The feeling in my chest. Looking at my Nanny. But all I remember of the phone call was telling the operator that we needed an ambulance here right now. Then I remember going to the basement and crying and then it’s all kind of a blur.
I went to school the next day. I didn’t tell anyone about what happened, I just went on with the day. That was easier then dealing with the pain of knowing I would never talk to her again. We would never laugh together again. We would never talk about the life that was ahead of me. She was just gone. One minute we were laying around watching Dr. Phil and the next she was gone forever.
That is such a difficult thought to process.
More than that, I can’t help but feel as though I am to blame for this all. What if I just hadn’t fallen asleep on the couch? What if I had of been alert and noticed she lost consciousness? Would it have made a difference?
Everyone says it wouldn’t have. But we really will never know.
Everyone tells me how lucky I was to spend the last moments of her life with her. But I don’t feel lucky. I feel responsible. I feel as though it is because of me that she is not with us today.
I don’t know if this feeling will ever go away. I don’t know if I will ever forgive myself.
But what I do know is that this moment has made me who I am today.
While I sometimes make mistakes, question my worth in this world, I am grateful to be here. I recognize how strong I am for continuing on despite the constant pain I feel from that day, despite the fact that I constantly question if I deserve the happiness in my life.
Because I have pushed myself to get past that day, I have found the strength to push forward, I know that I have taken this moment and made the best out of it that I can.
Will I ever forgive myself? Probably not. But will I get stronger every day trying to? ABSOLUTELY.
That’s really what these difficult experiences are about. Moving forward, gaining strength and trying to be the best me despite the challenges and difficulties I may face.
This post wasn’t easy but it was necessary. It is so hard for me to speak of that day. But it is something that I need to do. I have never really expressed how I feel of this day or truly dealt with the emotions of what happened almost 10 years ago. But slowly I will and hopefully it will help me come to terms with that daunting day.